Saturday, May 28, 2011


April was a VERY spiritually uplifting month for me with all that happened. Since January I feel like my soul is finally at peace and so happy with where I am at in my life. Getting my calling, seeing my parents and my sister, my Grandma passing, finishing the Book of Mormon...all good things that have touched my life lately! So grateful for all those experiences. They have helped rejuvenate me and gave me that pick me up I needed!

Hard realization...
Over the past couple of years I have lost a few relationships with people whom I was very close with...or, whom I thought I was very close with. It was tough when I realized that some of these relationships had been one sided and/or I had to walk a way from a friendship that was just too hard too watch their life fall apart before my eyes. That was the toughest thing for me to do...but in the end I realize it had to be that way or I would have been sucked down with them and all that was going on in their lives. 

I miss those friendships dearly and those people whom I adored and who meant SO much too me! I miss having that friendship, that connection. Someone whom you can confide in and they care about you and what is going on in your life and vice-a-versa. Yes, Kent is that person for me, but every girl needs a least that is how I feel. I am close with my sister Emily and my Mom. We can talk openly and freely, but they live so far away.

When I hear other girls talk about their girls night outs or their friends who have been their for them in their time of need, I will admit I am envious and long for that. It has been tough as I have taken a good hard look at myself and wondered why? Kent told me that I can't stop being me because of how other people choose to be. True, but it still is hard to have to face.

I am a fiercely loyal person. I am protective of the people I care about. I care! I care about the people I love and maybe to a fault. I think I get misunderstood and things I say or things I do get taken the wrong way at times. I have taken a lot of crap over the years from people that I care about. But, I am finally in a place where I no longer feel the NEED to please everyone else. So therefore I have taken a step back from certain people and that is when I realized that some of these relationships where VERY one sided. And if it wasn't for me calling to see how they were doing and trying to get together with them then it would never happen. Did it hurt when I realized all this, you bet! BUT, it is what it is and I can't force someone to care about me, nor do I want therefore I don't need that kind of relationship in my life. It has taken me a while to get to this point, but I didn't have a choice really. 

I guess I am having one of those deep thinking kind of days. My heart is sad, but I am slowly adjusting and trying my best to move on and not let it bring me down. Plus, the sad thing is, I don't think these people have thought twice about me and the friendship/relationships we had...that is what hurts!

I feel like I have always had to be the one to suck it up and deal with it when I have been treated badly by someone and just let it go and move on. I am tired of that...I don't want/need that in my life anymore. I have learned to listen to myself and how I am feeling. If I don't want to be around certain environments or people because I it feels like I will be walking into the lions den...then I am not going to put myself in that kind of a situation anymore. I am not going to just put my feelings aside and suck it up anymore. I choose to be happy and to feel safe! If I don't feel safe around someone, I am not going to be around them.  It has been nice to give myself this permission finally...I needed to do this for me.

When we were in Utah at a church bookstore I saw this wall hanging on the wall and had to have it. It says:

Living Life
Life is not a race- but indeed a journey. Be honest. Work hard. Be choosy. Say, "Thank you", "I love you", and "great job" to someone each day. Go to church, take time for prayer. The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh. Let your handshake mean more than pen and paper. Love your life and what you've been given, it is not accidental ~ search for your purpose and do it as best you can.  Dreaming does matter. It allows you to become that which you aspire to be. Laugh often. Appreciate the little things in life and enjoy them. Some of the best things really are free. Do not worry, less wrinkles are more becoming. Forgive, it frees the soul. Take time for yourself ~ plan for longevity. Recognize the special people you've been blessed to know. Live for today, enjoy the moment.
~Bonnie L. Mohr

So, from all this, I choose to be happy with those relationships I did have in my life at one time. And try to remember the good and the happy times instead of the negative of it all.

What I have learned so far from all of this:

1) Not to expect others to react the way I think or feel they should react to certain situations. Just because I would react and do certain things, doesn't make it the right way and that others should do the same thing.

2)To try not to have expectations of people...less disappointment that way!

3) If someone wants/expects to be treated with respect of course treat them with respect as you should treat them that way. BUT, it goes both ways...if you want to be treated with respect then you should treat others with respect and not justify why it is ok for you and/or your family to not show others that same respect. 

I saw this saying on my friends blog and it was exactly what I need to hear:

"Stop trying to find friends.....instead develop the SKILLS of friendship."


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Janay said...

Beautiful, honest post Barb. It's great that you can be so open on here to express your feelings and what you've learned so far in your life. What a wonderful thing for you to have to look back on during the tough times. You seriously are an amazing person!! Thanks for sharing.

Lynn said...

Amen to that! ; D

I totally hear you on this one. But you say it SO much better.

Barb Stanford said...

Thanks ladies! I am learning, always learning...and that is a good thing :)

Erica said...

I wish we lived closer-I'd love to hang out with you. :) You're my type of person!! Love and hugs from here. E

Gayla Woolf Holt said...

My this is a heart string puller...even at my age I still struggle with things like this...I am still learning and it is very hard...but oh so worth it.
Bless you daughter dear and may we all grow and be positive in that growth.
Hugs MOM